FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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