you're like a bully in the Christmas story
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Bring me that man meat
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
