I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
How's work?
Spinning.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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