hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
