I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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