I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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