mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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