Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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