I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
