genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
