The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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