I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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