VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
