Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
