apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
