my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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