My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
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My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
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I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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