they need to just BURY HIM!
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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