Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You smell like stripper and shame
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity