stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Randomize
