Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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