pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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