I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.