Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.