She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
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I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
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I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going