chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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