My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
