After last night, I could never be a politician.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
