I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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