You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
