I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
