Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
