I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
