I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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