# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
im six kinds of drunk right now
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Randomize
