You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
