my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
operation harelip BJ is a go
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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