i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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