shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
