Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza