Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
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Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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