Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
