I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
