Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Randomize
