saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
