so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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