So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
