i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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