I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Randomize
