omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
