We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
