just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
