need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
