So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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