Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
