Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
