You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
