You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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